The Death of the Doer
This series is continuing with new chapters at our new home: Anant Yatra
A Neurologist’s Encounter with the Illusion of Free Will
By Dr. PS Deb
Introduction: A Logical Mind’s Tryst with Faith
They say we are the sum of our ancestors and our upbringing. My journey has felt like a negotiation between two distinct worlds: the rigid logic of science and the boundless mystery of the spirit.
To understand where I stand today—as a neurologist with a deep passion for the occult—I must take you back to a history that spans over two centuries.
My roots are buried deep in the colonial history of India. In 1757, my ancestors moved out of Kolkata alongside the English army that toppled Nawab Siraj-ud-Daulah. We were a family on the move, finally settling in Jabalpur in 1904 with the establishment of the Gun Carriage Factory. Growing up in Jabalpur, our household was heavily influenced by this British legacy—disciplined, logical, and orderly.
While my father represented this "British" logic, my mother was the spiritual anchor. Tragedy struck her early with the loss of a child, pushing her deep into faith. Our home resonated with the sounds of Sandhya chanting and the Hanuman Chalisa. She bore the silent burden of cooking non-vegetarian meals for the family while maintaining her own strict vegetarianism—a testament to her duty.
The Making of a Scientist
I was the fourth of five siblings. Unlike the others, I possessed a strictly logical mind. I loved Science and Mathematics and dreamed of becoming a scientist to decode the universe through equations. Biology was merely an afterthought.
However, destiny often steers us in directions we do not anticipate. My father had always been in his mind for me to become a doctor. The transition was not easy. I had completed my schooling in Hindi medium. Crossing over to an English-medium professional medical course was a real struggle that tested my resolve every single day.
Amidst this struggle, I was fortunate to find a partner who truly understood the journey. My wife, who had been my schoolmate since Class 4 and entered medical college alongside me, was another significant factor in my career change. We have been on this medical path together ever since.
The Turning Point: 1980
In the world of medicine, control is everything. As doctors, we are trained to diagnose, intervene, and fix. But my spiritual journey began precisely when I lost that control.
It was 1980. We were pursuing our MD in Jabalpur, a city that was a spiritual vortex at the time—home to the energies of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Osho Rajneesh. In July 1980, I learned Transcendental Meditation (TM). It was supposed to be a method of relaxation. Instead, it was like striking a match in a room full of gunpowder.
Almost immediately, I began slipping into deep trances. My physical body began to react uncontrollably. In deep meditation, my head would involuntarily bend and rotate. My TM teacher was baffled.
As a doctor, I knew the anatomy of the brain. I knew that the Motor Cortex controls voluntary movement. Yet here I was, watching my body move without my permission. It was a violation of everything I knew about "Free Will."
The Dhyan Deeksha: The Guru Within
Guidance came from Mrs. Jain, the mother of a teacher, who told me simply: "The Guru is within. Just follow your heart and let it happen."
Her words were the permission I needed. I went to my terrace and surrendered. What followed was a complete takeover of my motor system. My body twisted into Asanas I had never learned. My hands formed Mudras I had never seen. I realized then that I was not moving my body; something else was.
Later, I would learn the yogic terms for this: Kriyas (involuntary movements caused by Kundalini) and Spanda (divine vibration). But at that moment, I only knew one thing: The "Doer" had died. I was merely a witness.
The Biological Robot
For the next year, I became what I can only describe as a "biological robot." The surrender was absolute.
I entered a "White Phase" where I could not tolerate color. I painted my furniture white, wore only white, and covered my room in white sheets. I lost the ability to "plan" my studies. If I tried to force myself to study against the flow, the book would seem to close itself.
Yet, miracles happened. I completed my thesis with effortless, inner-directed knowledge. I stopped "doing" and simply "was." This was my experience of Tathata—the art of effortless sailing.
Astrology: The Tale of Two Paths
My wife, a brilliant doctor, could never quite understand this surrender. She often asks, "How can you leave things to fate? Unless you do, you cannot achieve."
Years later, studying astrology gave me the answer.
My Wife (The Doer): She has the Sun and Mars conjoined in her 10th House (the house of action). She is wired to lead, to act. For her, Free Will is her engine. Her path is Karma Yoga.
Myself (The Surrendered): My chart demanded the dissolution of the ego. My path was to realize that I am not the driver, but the passenger.
This realization in 1980 was the seed. It took me 35 years to fully understand that what I experienced wasn't madness—it was the Flow. It was the realization that we are biological robots functioning within a grander design.
I had stumbled upon a river that ancient philosophers and mystics have spoken about for centuries. In the next chapter, I will explore the philosophy behind this river—from the Tao of China to the Fire of Heraclitus.
This series is continuing with new chapters at our new home: Anant Yatra
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